


When Everything's Wrong, You Make It Right

by strawberryriver



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Canon Compliant, M/M, Pre-Canon, Slow Burn, anxiety mention, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 09:59:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,547
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4602471
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strawberryriver/pseuds/strawberryriver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sugawara Koushi discovered he was gay in middle school. Right around the time all the boys on his team were entering (fleeting) relationships with girls, or talking about girls, or sneaking out some of their elder sibling’s magazines, Suga realized he wasn’t interested. Not that he knew any boys he wanted to date, he just caught himself sometimes looking at the men instead of the women, and wondering about it.</p><p>___________</p><p>Or, how Suga and Daichi ended up together.</p>
            </blockquote>





	When Everything's Wrong, You Make It Right

Sugawara Koushi discovered he was gay in middle school. Right around the time all the boys on his team were entering (fleeting) relationships with girls, or talking about girls, or sneaking out some of their elder sibling’s magazines, Suga realized he wasn’t interested. Not that he knew any boys he wanted to date, he just caught himself sometimes looking at the men instead of the women, and wondering about it. 

He knew better than to say anything. While he honestly had no idea how his teammates would take it, he knew his father had only the bare minimum of tolerance for homosexuality. He acknowledged that they existed, but he didn’t like it and no one in their family talked about it. He felt that they should keep it completely to themselves. Every now and then something would show up on TV and his father would complain while his mother nodded in the same way she did when his father complained about the weather. His older sister, Makoto, was the first to catch on during a particularly long rant and excused both of them to take their dog for a walk. Suga had been shifting awkwardly in his seat, stirring the spoon in his tea. Makoto was older than him, already in her second year of high school, and just as perceptive as he was; a trait they inherited from their mother. 

“Kou-chan…” She began, and Suga shrugged. He knew what she was getting at. 

“It’s just the way he is, right?” Makoto said and sighed. Suga nodded, he had always been a little more mature for his age, and what hung in their joint silence was the notion that yes, their father was just like that and probably wasn’t going to change. They walked in silence around the block, stopping occasionally to let the dog sniff, but not staying out for long. Suga was grateful for the reprieve and hoped that his father would have moved on from his rant to something different in the time they were gone. 

“Don’t tell them?” Suga was nervous as they came up on their front gate. Inside he could hear that his two younger siblings were awake and arguing over who got the last of the eggs. 

“Of course not.” She patted him on the head and they went inside together. 

The rest of Suga’s middle school career was uneventful. He played as a second string setter on his school’s volleyball team, and while he always wanted to play more, it seemed like every time he was on the court he’d end up getting overwhelmed with anxiety. He had a tendency to overthink things and it was always worse when he was under pressure. Suga had to work on managing his anxiety or they might not let him play at all in high school. He had a few friends, mostly his fellow teammates, but no one he was extraordinarily close with. A few girls had cornered him at lunch time with cutesy letters in pretty envelopes, but after he’d turned down three consecutive confessions, they ceased. His excuses were pretty solid: he’s focusing on school, volleyball takes up all of his free time, or it’s too close to exams. None of them were lies, but none of his excuses were the truth, either.

Suga had had a couple of light crushes but nothing serious, and he’d promised himself that his life would be a lot easier if he just continued that way. Being gay was fine so long as he never talked about, or showed it. That was always the impression he received from his dad. So, when he entered his first year of high school, he fully planned on things continuing the way they had been. He was in class 1-4, a college prep class, and was going to join the volleyball team. He would have plenty to do without any romance. Volleyball and school had always been his excuses before, and that didn’t have to change.

He even liked his fellow first year teammates, once he met them. Suga tried not to laugh when Azumane bit his tongue as they were introducing themselves, but it was hard. And Sawamura seemed like an eager and impressive guy, with the way he confidently introduced himself to the team. They all came to the team to train and win and even if the upperclassmen seemed discouraged, he’d hoped that if they just worked hard enough Karasuno might be champions again. He looked around the gym at the players and the equipment, and smiled to himself.

“You can call me Asahi, I don’t mind.” A voice behind him said, and Suga turned to face his new teammate. Azumane was smiling at them, perfectly friendly despite his gangly and awkward appearance. Suga smiled at him, glad that he wasn’t too put out by the snicker.

“Sorry I laughed, it was sort of funny.” Suga smiled at him and Asahi rubbed his head.

“I got nervous...the third years are intimidating.” Asahi seemed more embarrassed about the incident than mad, and Suga resisted the urge to laugh. Asahi was as tall as, if not taller, than most of their upperclassmen and yet he was still so timid. He got the feeling that Asahi had a glass heart. 

“I’m honestly not a big fan of my first name, so all of my friends stick with my last. Suga is fine.” Suga hoped he wasn’t coming off as too distant, but his first name was a family named passed down through his father, and his father was the only one who used the full name. Even his mother and sister insisted on calling him “Kou-chan”. Hearing anyone use his full first name made his stomach sour. His friends in middle school had been the ones to shorten his last name down to just “Suga” in an attempt to make it less formal, and that felt like a much better name to him than Koushi. 

“You can call me Daichi.” Daichi said as he tore himself away from watching the upperclassmen warm up. Suga could tell that he was really determined, he seemed like he’d come here on a mission that he was set to complete. It was nice to have someone committed on the team; Suga liked seeing others passionate about their goals. The three quickly joined the rest of the team in warming up, eager to get started.

Suga’s older sister always told him his gift were the abilities to make friends and calm people. He didn’t know how true that was, but it seemed like he clicked quickly with the other two freshman. They spent most of their free time together; looking up ways to improve their volleyball skills when it seemed like the upperclassmen had given up without a coach. It was difficult making up their own training routines, but they wanted to put in the work to see their team succeed. 

As it turned out he and Daichi were in the same class, which gave Suga more opportunities to get to know his classmate. While Suga hadn’t had many close friends in middle school, it wasn’t necessarily by choice. He just hadn’t had many opportunities. He hadn’t been in the same class as any of his teammates during middle school, and they didn’t end up going to the same high schools. So, the fact that Daichi was in the same class as him was almost a blessing he hadn’t asked for. He was looking forward to having someone in his class that he knew he had something in common with. It seemed like high school was going to go well for Suga. 

Seemed like. 

As their first year passed, and the longer they practiced together, the more Sugawara noticed. Daichi was strong, and already very good at receives. He made a good defense. As the “B” team they typically spent more time practicing together than with anyone else, and Suga found himself watching Daichi more than he knew he should. The way his muscles flexed in his thighs when he twisted to make a difficult receive, the way his shoulders squared when he braced himself against the ball. Daichi practiced a lot and it was obvious.

Along with his looks Daichi wasn’t the type to ever give up on a dream, he took initiative and had incredible motivation to do whatever it took to accomplish what he wanted. Daichi was the one who led Suga and Asahi to practice harder even without a coach, spending long nights watching volleyball videos and reading articles. It was admirable. Suga liked his will and determination, and found himself relying on Daichi when he felt his anxiety swell in his throat. Even just talking to the other about his day, or a particular piece of homework, soothed the tightness in his chest and helped him breathe deeper.

Their practice matches were sparse, not many wanted to play with them once word got out that Coach Ukai retired, and so each game was precious. Suga knew that. But it didn’t stop his heart from seizing the first time he was put into play, towards the end of the game. They were losing significantly and their captain wanted Suga to get “at least a little experience” since there wasn’t much to be done at that point. Suga was grateful and terrified. 

He knew he could use the experience; he was only the backup setter in middle school so his actual time in games was pitifully low. Plus he knew he could observe well, and was good at calculating what the other team could do. Sitting on the sidelines was good for that; it was a lot easier to observe the other team when you weren’t also trying to keep your mind in the game. He had observed this team for the majority of the game, and felt like he could form a few attacks that might work on their defenses. 

The first few volleys went well. Suga remembered the signals and was setting up safe-but-obvious attacks. However, once the opposing team caught on to his plan, they were blocked after only setting a couple of times. His teammates tried to be encouraging but Suga felt his vision blur as his heart raced to his throat. It was hard to try and look through the other teams defense while he was also trying to be mindful of his own team, the players, to set up the perfect attack. What was in the best form? Who had the least blockers? Who would be most likely to make the point count? He could send it to their ace but that would be obvious and there were already three men guarding. If he picked someone else they would probably pick up on that- if only because the ace was an obvious choice and they may guess that he’d go another route. 

He ended up picking their team’s ace in a panic, and the toss was off center. The other spiked it, but it landed awkwardly, out of bounds, and ended the game. Suga knew the loss wasn’t entirely his fault, when he came in they were already hopelessly behind, but that didn’t stop the voice in the back of his head from whispering about all the other things he should have done, what attacks might have worked better, if he’d only maybe used his spikers abilities more. 

Suga was so wrapped up in his own self deprecating thoughts that he didn’t notice Daichi watching him after the game, and while they walked home. 

“Suga.” Daichi’s voice was quiet, but firm, and it snapped Suga out of his ruminations. 

“Sorry. I was just thinking about the game, were you trying to say something?” Suga said. Was Daichi disappointed in his effort as much as he himself was? Was he going to tell him that he’s not cut out to be a setter after all? 

“No, you just had a bad expression on your face.” Daichi said, and Suga felt some relief, at least Daichi didn’t berate him. Suga was still embarrassed, though, and Daichi had noticed. Suga didn’t want to bother anyone else with his annoying thoughts, but it seemed like he wasn’t being as thorough at hiding them as he thought.

“I was thinking about what I might have done differently in the game. I didn’t do a great job at setting up successful attacks…” Suga trailed off, the frustration bubbling up and threatening to spill over. Daichi only hummed in response, and they fell into silence for a few minutes. 

“Don’t think about it too much, you know. You did pretty well for your first match in high school. I thought, at least. We have time to get better” Daichi said, Suga thought he was just trying to cheer him up. If he was it worked, he felt just a little less badly about the way the game had ended than when he left himself alone with his thoughts. 

Suga sighed deeply, looking up towards the sky. Daichi was right, he knew he was overthinking everything, but it was comforting to hear someone else validate that. He knew the loss wasn’t his fault, and he did have time to improve. He would just have to work that much harder with Daichi and Asahi during practice. 

Nagging in the back of his head always, the point still stood (maybe even louder after that first match) that Daichi was attractive and Suga was having a difficult time managing those feelings. Though the three of them did most things together, Asahi wasn’t in a college prep class. His classes were always a few lessons behind Suga and Daichi’s, making study sessions a little difficult. Because of this they usually stuck to doing homework independently, rather than form a study group. Suga had wanted to ask Daichi a few times, but he was a little afraid of what that quiet one on one time would do to him. Unfortunately, it seemed like the universe had a different path in mind for Suga, when Asahi turned away towards his house after practice. 

“Hey, we have that test coming up.” Daichi said suddenly, breaking the silence between them. 

Suga’s head swiveled to Daichi’s; he was surprised that the other was talking about class. Usually they used their walk home to talk about volleyball, or that weird obstacle course game show Daichi liked. They honestly tried not to think about school when they weren’t in it. Finally Suga nodded, they did have a math test coming up and while he was doing alright in math, the first test of the year had been difficult, and he would honestly take any extra direction he could get. Especially if it meant spending more time with Daichi. 

“We do. I hope it’s not as terrible as the first one. . .” It definitely would be, math was rarely one of those subjects that got easier as the year passed.

“Would you want to study together after practice on Saturday?” Daichi asked, and Suga nearly stopped walking. He would love nothing more than to spend a day studying with Daichi outside of volleyball and class, he just wasn’t sure he could handle it. He swallowed hard and hoped Daichi hadn't noticed the brief hesitation.

"Yeah, of course. Chapter six lost me a little." Suga was barely thinking about chapter six, though, partially because that had been the day Daichi had come to school with his hair cut and it looked really nice, and now again because he would be spending all of Saturday with Daichi. Studying. 

"Me too, we can puzzle it out together." Daichi smiled and rubbed the back of his neck. He seemed to do that when he was embarrassed, and Suga loved these little habits. Suga liked to think he was an observant person, and Daichi didn’t seem too hard to figure out. In their time together Suga learned that Daichi furrowed his brows when concentrating, rubbed his neck when he was embarrassed or nervous, and smiled harshly when he was starting to get angry. Thinking about that smile made Suga think about Daichi’s other smiles; he had a lot of different smiles and laughs, but Suga’s favorite was when he threw back his head and really laughed hard from his chest. Suga felt a blush creeping up his neck just thinking about it. 

But he absolutely shouldn’t be thinking about that, or the way Daichi’s eyes crinkled when it happened. And especially not when walking right next to him. 

They walked the rest of the way talking lightly about classes and practice. It was hard without a coach but Suga was good with tactical plans and signals. He spent a lot of time researching and making routines and plays with Daichi and Asahi, trying to hone the one skill he really knew he had. When the time came to branch off towards his house Suga waved, and rubbed his chest as he walked away, as if he were trying to soothe the feelings that threatened to bubble out. 

Alone he allowed his thoughts to wander back to Daichi. He had it bad for Daichi, and he knew he was screwed because he was pretty sure the other was straight. Almost one-hundred perfect positive. He wouldn't be surprised if Daichi ended up dating his friend Yui, she was cute and a volleyball player for the girl’s team. Suga had met her before and she and Daichi were good friends; they had known each other for longer than Suga had, and he could tell that they were at least fond of each other. He could guess Yui might have a crush on Daichi, and he couldn't fault her. There were plenty of good reasons to, and it definitely wasn’t her fault if Daichi liked her just as much. It was no one’s fault; Daichi had that sort of charm. 

Suga willed himself to stop thinking about things like that before he spiraled himself into an anxious depression. That line of thinking was dangerous and he knew he would be absolutely no good to anyone if he barely felt like getting out of bed in the morning. He did his best to shove those feelings away as he sat down to complete his homework for the night.

Saturday approached much faster than Suga thought he was prepared for, but he greeted Daichi at the door with a smile. They had agreed on Suga’s house for studying since his younger siblings were out that day and his parents tended to leave him alone. He introduced Daichi to his mother in passing, who was charmed with the way Daichi bowed and apologized for entering. She promised she would bring them lunch and Suga pulled Daichi up to his room. 

Nervous was not the right word for it. If Suga could lock himself into a closet and stay there forever, he would have chosen that over showing Daichi his room. It wasn’t that he was messy, he had cleaned up for Daichi, or even that his room was embarrassing. It was a little small but standard for a bedroom, he had a bed, dresser, some embarrassing stuffed animals he expertly hid in the closet, and a desk, though they would use the table his mother had helped him set up. 

Daichi didn’t make any comments on his room when he entered, choosing instead to lay his back on the table and take a seat on the floor, already launching into the test material. Suga felt a little glimmer die in his chest, he hadn’t been expecting anything from Daichi (how could he?) but it still felt so anticlimactic having the other here in his room. There was no awkward mood or tension between them, it was hardly any different from the times they ate lunch alone together. Suga repressed a sigh and took out his own books, diving into the material before him. 

The day was uneventful but comfortable, Daichi really was a good friend and, despite his feelings, Suga was able to relax as they worked through problems together. When it came time for Daichi to leave, Suga had only a little bit of regret as he waved goodbye from his door. At least he would be well prepared for their math test. 

Suga’s first real test of will was the first time Daichi spent the night. By this time their study sessions had become a regular occasion, but this was entirely different and it was nerve wracking for Suga. They were celebrating their successful end to their first semester of high school, and break was starting. Daichi had suggested they do something, and Suga was the one to offer his home for their celebration. All three of them were supposed to stay the night, but the previous day Asahi had backed out. He was able to come over in the evening for dinner and to watch a movie, but he couldn't stay the night and ended up going home around nine. 

After Asahi left, Suga became painfully aware of Daichi’s presence, and shoved his feelings down in his gut. He desperately tried to relax, but it was getting hard. This is just something you'll have to practice. He chanted to himself while he laughed at the joke Daichi had made that he hadn't actually heard. It was still comfortable, despite the static churning under Suga’s skin, and once he was able to focus on Daichi’s words and not his mouth laughter came easily. They joked about how awful their English final was, and made fun of the characters in bad horror movies. 

Only at night, once Daichi was in the guest futon and Suga was curled up in his own bed, did he allow the feelings to surface. Once he thought Daichi was asleep, Suga allowed himself to look at Daichi for at least a little bit, ignoring the voice that told him how creepy this was. He wanted nothing more than to crawl down, lay next Daichi, and curl his fingers in his hair. Suga had wondered what Daichi’s hair felt like more than once, Daichi always cut it short and it looked good on him, but what did it feel like? Was it soft? Or more coarse like a buzzed head? What did Daichi’s shampoo smell like? And at that thought Suga’s cheeks lit bright red and he rolled over, with his back to his friend. He couldn't think things like that about Daichi. Daichi was his best friend, and he would definitely find it weird and definitely not want to hang out anymore if he ever found out that Suga thought that way. Suga absolutely couldn’t stand the thought of losing Daichi because he had some awkward thoughts that he couldn’t keep locked up. 

\------

As time passed Suga found that his personal mantra was true. It got easier and easier to push his feelings down and cover them when he and Daichi were alone. They spent more and more time together, both in practice and out, and Suga wouldn't want to trade their friendship for the world. Unfortunately for Suga, he couldn't hide his feelings all the time, and Asahi eventually caught on. He avoided saying it outright most of the time, but every now and then he would give Suga long looks when Daichi’s back was turn that said I saw that, and I know. He couldn’t keep quiet forever, though, and eventually he came to sit next to Suga during practice towards the end of second semester.

"Will you ever tell him?" Asahi was genuinely concerned for his friends, he had noticed the way Suga saw Daichi a while ago, and had some reason to think Daichi might feel the same way. Of course, with the way they were each outright avoiding it Asahi didn’t think it would be helpful to point that out. Suga was touched by his friend’s concern, he wasn't aware Asahi could be that perceptive. Or maybe he had been more obvious than he thought. 

"Tell him what?" Suga wasn't trying to be difficult; he was just trying to protect his pride. Asahi had caught him more than once watching Daichi when he thought no one would see, but he was embarrassed to be asked so bluntly. "Tell him and make a fool out of myself?"

Asahi did reply immediately, and he and Suga watched Daichi talk with some of their other teammates for a few minutes. Asahi wanted to shake his two friends but he couldn’t do that, and not just because he was a little afraid of Daichi. 

"Well, you'll never know unless you do, right?" Asahi was trying to be supportive and Suga smiled at the other teen. He didn’t mean to be difficult for Asahi, but any time he thought about confessing to Daichi his heart swelled in his throat and he could picture the look on Daichi’s face as he outright refused Suga’s feelings. He could hear Daichi’s voice in his head, plain as day: Sorry, Suga. But I don’t feel the same way.

"Look at him, Asahi. If Sawamura Daichi is gay, let alone interested in me, I'll buy you lunch and knit you a hat." Suga had no idea how to knit, but Asahi didn't question it. He just sighed and got up to resume practice, leaving Suga alone with his thoughts.

After that conversation, Suga sought Asahi out when being around Daichi was too much, and the other would talk to him about miscellaneous topics, allowing Suga to forget his feelings for just a little bit. For as much as Suga and Daichi teased Asahi for having a glass heart, that glass heart was very caring and Suga valued it in the times that his own heart felt a little too fragile.

He knew he was just going to have to grin and bear this crush for as long as he had it. Together, he, Daichi, and Asahi worked on a plan for their own second year as the third years left and the current second years took over. There was only one other setter on the team aside from him, A third year, which meant that he would be the backup just in case. He was nervous about his own skills, fearing he was nowhere near good enough to set for them. Daichi was always quick to reassure him otherwise, pointing out the many things Suga was good at, such as his tactical abilities. Even with that encouragement, Suga felt apprehensive about their second year. He would potentially be playing in games, and the idea heightened his anxiety. Most days he felt like even the slightest breeze might set it over the edge.

When the end of their first year came, and break was right around the corner, Suga and Daichi found out that their families would be taking vacations at opposite times. That left them with just a week of vacation to spend together. Suga was torn, on the one hand it would be nice to not have to deal with his heavy heartbeat when he was around Daichi, but on the other Daichi was his best friend and he wanted to spend break with him. 

Though, he reasoned, it wasn’t like they wouldn’t talk to each other at all. They would still text, and when Daichi’s family got back they could spend their last week having fun before school picked up again. Suga texted Daichi every day and always got a response. Often Suga found himself texting pictures, things he found funny, pictures of him next to weird things he saw on vacation, and pictures of the places they visited. He was half hoping for pictures in return, but they were rare, and never of Daichi’s face. Daichi preferred to respond in text, and Suga wasn’t going to push it. Part of him realized that what he was doing could be interpreted as flirting, and each sent picture gave him a flutter of anxiety that he might be making Daichi uncomfortable with all the messages. Daichi never stopped responding, though, so against his own better judgment Suga kept taking and sending them. 

The day Daichi’s family returned, Suga was buzzing with excitement. He wouldn’t see Daichi until the next day, to give him some time to settle down, but Suga couldn’t contain himself. He spent several hours selecting the perfect clothes (half of which was spent scolding himself for acting so lovesick) and the rest of the time imagining what they might do, and whether or not Daichi had a tan from his vacation. He tried his best to keep away from those particular thoughts, but it wasn’t like Daichi was here or would know about them, so sometimes he let his mind wander. 

Waiting outside of the movie theater they agreed to meet at, Suga was not prepared. He thought he was, he had spent all morning hyping himself. Daichi is your friend, you’re meeting as friends, and if you’re weird Daichi will absolutely go home and never talk to you again. He thought that would be enough to brace himself against seeing his long-time-crush/best friend for the first time in several weeks, but it absolutely wasn’t. 

Daichi was tan, but there was more than that. In the weeks that they’d been apart, Daichi had changed. He was taller than Suga for one, during school they had grown to be an even height, but now Daichi was a solid inch taller than Suga. His shoulders had squared out with his muscles and while Daichi had told Suga that he was still keeping up some of the training regimen over the break, Suga could definitely tell in person. Daichi’s face was nice too, his jaw squared out into a firm line, and he looked as reliable as Suga knew him to be. Puberty was definitely acting as Daichi’s friend. 

Suga realized quickly that he was staring at Daichi like a dumb creep and broke into a grin to cover it up.

“Daichi~! It’s been a while!” Suga reached out and punched his arm, maybe a little harder than he intended. He had missed his friend.

“Only a few weeks…” Daichi rubbed his arm, and Suga realized a little belatedly that he’d punched too hard. Still, that wasn’t going to deter him and he turned towards the theater doors.

“That’s still a long time, come on, I’ve been waiting to see this movie with you!” Suga said, trotting into the theater ahead of Daichi. 

“That actually hurt, Suga…” Daichi said, following close behind. Suga ignored Daichi’s complaints and quickly found them seats; the movie was for a “summer horror blockbuster” that Suga had been dying to see. He thought horror movies were hilarious; the plot twists were always predictable and everything always felt so unreal and staged it was unbelievable. So far he had only been actually scared by one horror movie, and that was mostly because there was minimal gore and almost all suspense. That one had really gotten under his skin. 

When the movie started Suga got really into it. Being a weekday afternoon there weren’t that many people in the theater, so Suga felt free to jump dramatically and overreact to the shock scares on screen. He only grabbed Daichi’s arm once and immediately let go when he felt just how solid the muscle there was. He was glad it was dark in the theater and that Daichi couldn’t see his blush as he quickly pulled his hand away. 

By the time the movie ended Suga had managed to stuff the feeling of Daichi’s arm back down with every other inappropriate though he had about his best friend. Keeping his crush secret from Daichi was of the utmost importance. Suga got up and stretched, turning to look at Daichi. 

“Are you hungry? I am.” He was craving something spicy, the spicier the better. Daichi stood and also stretched, causing Suga to avert his eyes. 

“Sure. There’s that noodle place down the block.” Suga knew exactly the one, they’d gone a few times before and he loved their mapo tofu. It was his favorite place, and he was pretty sure Daichi knew that based on the fact that the other always suggested they go there when they went out to eat together.

“Yes! Yes, absolutely!” Suga was in a good mood. He and Daichi fell back into an easy rhythm together and it was comfortable. He felt a little out of practice with squashing his feelings but once he got back into the swing of it, it wasn’t so bad. And he did allow himself little things, like watching Daichi’s expressions as he laughed, and watching the muscles of his forearm flex when he reached across the counter for his order. He only felt minimal guilt; after all, if Daichi would never return his feelings then surely he could be allowed to admire him just a little. 

Suga felt Daichi’s eyes on him as he dug into his lunch, spicy enough to make your eyes water. The scent hung heavy in the air and he heard Daichi could. Suga absolutely loved the way spice burned in his mouth, so he always made sure to order things as hot as he could get it. It had earned him weird looks before, but he assumed Daichi would be used to it by now. 

“What?” Suga asked, pausing his eating to look up just as Daichi resumed his lunch, shaking his head.

“Nothing.” 

The rest of their day went quickly, after lunch they wandered to the park and Daichi showed Suga a new move he’d seen when watching a volleyball game on TV. They practiced a little, though they couldn’t do much without a ball, and promised to come back the next day for some actual practice. Suga had missed playing volleyball and was eager to get back into it. He wanted to hone his skills and hopefully prevent making a fool of himself in future matches.

He would have wished for practice to start up again a little less hard if he had known what was waiting for them as the next semester started up. Coach Ukai had decided to return out of retirement, and initially this information thrilled Suga. Finally they would have a coach, a good coach, and be able to improve their skills and maybe even have practice matches. Plus, they had five new first years, and one was a libero from a particularly good school. For once Suga allowed himself to feel hopeful about their prospects for this year. 

What he wasn’t ready for was the absolutely Spartan training routines Coach Ukai planned for them. Practice was brutal, morning and afternoon, and Suga was starting to forget what it felt like to not be in pain. Three of their first years left, and he honestly couldn’t blame them. It was clear that Ukai wasn’t interested in training casual players, he wanted people who wanted this, wanted to win, and it was for that reason that Suga persevered. He couldn’t imagine leaving Daichi and Asahi, to not play with them every day. The very idea was absolutely unthinkable. 

With the direction of a coach their team would fair much better than it had last year, until Coach Ukai fell ill and had to leave the team for the year. Every bit of direction they had helped, but Suga was still extremely nervous. Would that be enough? They’d had a coach, but for hardly any time at all. And now that Ukai was gone again, no one wanted to set up practice matches with them. Plus Suga still had no idea still how he would hold up in an official match. He had played in some practice matches last year, but an official match was a whole other world with all sorts of new pressures that came with it. 

Suga grew more and more anxious as the Inter High approached, and while the team was doing okay thanks to their genius libero Nishinoya, he himself felt woefully unprepared. His only relief came from the fact that the third year setter would be participating, since it was his last game. Suga felt ashamed at the relief when he was told about the line-up, even though it wasn’t anyone’s surprise that most of the third years would be starting. They deserved their last chance. Their trainings lightened up without Coach Ukai’s guidance and Suga tried not to think about what their prospects might be against the other schools. 

The Inter High was a struggle, and they lost. The third years didn’t have as much faith in their team as Daichi and Suga did, they didn’t really believe they had a chance to begin with. The tried, absolutely, but there was no heart in their game by the end. While Suga frequently told himself that their team was neither good, nor bad, the defeat still felt brutal. Understandably, the third years all decided to leave and focus on their remaining school year after that. At the first before-practice meeting after their loss, Daichi was selected as captain to no one’s surprise. Daichi was a rock for Suga and Asahi, and he knew the remaining first years also relied on him. Daichi was good at wrangling in their over enthusiasm and keeping everyone focused, which was perfect for a leader. He was also good at motivating them and keeping them grounded in the reality of the game when practices got tough and the volleys dragged on. 

When Daichi announced the Vice-Captain, Suga was shocked that he was picked unanimously. Daichi made absolute, perfect sense. But him? As vice-captain? Why him? What had he possibly done to earn that position of trust amongst his teammates? It felt good, certainly, but he couldn’t understand it. He had none of the traits Daichi did: collected, strong, calm under pressure. He was brought out of his thoughts by Daichi’s hand on his back and he quickly shot up. 

“Oh! Yes! Thank you everyone! I’ll do my best to support you all!” As Suga sat back down he could feel nausea settling in his stomach. Not only was he now the official setter by default, he was also the vice captain. On top of that, their team only had just enough players to enter into the Spring High due to the return of first years that had left under Coach Ukai. Still, they would need to recruit more first years or the team would die out with them when they left next year. How would they possibly recruit new players with how miserably they’d lost in the Inter High? Plus Suga had overheard their new nicknames, “Flightless Crows” and “Fallen Champions”. No one would want to join a team with a nickname based on failure, especially when said team didn’t even have a coach to rely on. Barely anyone wanted to even participate in practice matches with Karasuno, and their current teacher sponsor was retiring, so they would be assigned a new one starting next year. The more Suga thought about the future of their team the more anxiety built up in his chest until he felt a light touch on his arm. He turned to see Daichi watching him worriedly and he realized that he must have been making a face. 

“Don’t do that thing where you overthink everything.” Daichi whispered, leaning in towards Suga. “Everything will be fine.” 

Suga took a deep breath and nodded. Daichi was right. They’ll get at least some first years to join, and everything will be fine. They’ll do well in the Spring High, and then first years will want to join and they’ll stop being called by those terrible nicknames. He just had to trust in Daichi. First things first, they had to do well in the Spring Highs. That was number one on their to-do list. It would be tough without a coach but they had managed last year, they could do it again. Their group was small, but that didn’t matter if they played hard enough. 

Daichi and Suga took over organizing the training routines for practice. They used things they saw online, plus warm ups they learned from Coach Ukai, and hoped it would be good enough. Of course without a coach watching and critiquing them it was hard, and since Coach Ukai had to leave again, no other school stepped in for a practice match. They would have to go in raw, and hope that their training was enough.

Over their winter break, Suga felt overwhelmed. He had the team to worry about, plus school, and it seemed like he wouldn’t have any time to relax and enjoy his few weeks off. His extended family were coming for New Year’s and he knew he would have to field questions about girls or any girlfriends, why couldn’t they just stick to school? Or volleyball? Why did they need to know about his romantic interests too? On top of that, he was getting sick of listening to his father’s continued rants about “the gays” and “why couldn’t they just keep it to themselves.” Suga was trying to keep it to himself, he really was, but it was getting harder and harder to ignore the harsh words. He found solace in his sister, who had returned from college for her break. She gave him some good pointers on how to avoid their aunt’s pushy questions (she was a near expert at it by now) and helped him escape their house when his father became too much. Unfortunately, she also had more courage than Suga, and a lot of ideas to go with it.

“Why don’t you tell mom first?” She offered one day while they were taking a walk.

“Do you really think mom would be okay?” Suga had never considered telling his mother before saying anything to his father, would she be willing to keep it a secret? He had always pictured telling them together, if he ever told them at all.

“Mom never says anything when he’s ranting, it’s hard to tell. She acts like he’s talking about next week’s weather.” It was true, while his mother didn’t exactly defend gay people against his father, she never really agreed either. She was always just silent. 

“Maybe…” He said, and they lapsed into silence, dropping the topic. The thought of coming out to even one parent was nerve wracking to Suga. Every time he tried to think about what he might say to his mom he felt the anxiety swell into his throat and make it impossible to breathe. He was convinced that it would be impossible, there was no way he would ever be able to tell either of them what he was feeling. He was doing well in school and volleyball; they were always saying how proud they were of him. He didn’t want to lose that. He didn’t want his father to talk about him in the same way he talked about those people. As if he wasn’t his son.

His sister wasn’t the type to push, so she didn’t mention it again after she initially suggested it. Suga would seek her out if he wanted to talk about it anymore; there was no use in trying to push him into something he wasn’t ready for. Plus, their family would arrive soon and they didn’t have time to discuss potential scenarios of Suga coming out to just their mother. When his relatives did start to show up, it went exactly as Suga had predicted. His aunts took turns alternating between he and his siblings, asking about school and their friends, with some extremely unhelpful (and unsolicited advice) thrown his way. 

When he got tired of listening to the stories about how his uncles “won over” his aunts, and his Grandfather starting every piece of advice with “in my time. . .” Suga retreated to the kitchen where his mother was checking on dinner. She acknowledged his presence with a hum, turning away from the pot she was stirring. 

“Tired already, Kou-chan?” She asked and Suga slipped into one of the chairs. 

“They have a lot to say.” He was going to leave it at that, but his sister’s voice echoed in his head. Maybe if he just told his mom, she would be more understanding. He chewed his lower lip and stared off into space until a large stirring spoon made its way into his vision.

“I’ll let you try the soup if you tell me what’s on your mind.” She smiled at him, expectantly waiting as Suga took the spoon and tasted the broth. It was good, though not nearly spicy enough for him.

“Add more spice to it.” Suga said, and his mother laughed. 

“Then no one will eat it except you and your grandmother, Kou-chan.” She went back to the stove.  
“Now tell me what’s on your mind.” His mother was so calm, it was hard to resist. Suga took a deep breath because he had no idea what would happen after he told her. He knew he had to, but it was so nerve-wracking. He could feel the anxiety clamping in his chest and had to work extra hard to steady his breaths. 

“I don’t like girls.” He started, and his mother’s stirring stopped. While she didn’t look at him, Suga could tell she was listening. “I’m...I like boys…” He continued, shifting his gaze to the floor. He braced himself for whatever was going to come next and squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t open them again until he felt a gentle hand on his hair. 

“Sugawara Koushi.” Her voice was soft and it eased the anxiety bubbling in his throat. “That’s fine. I can’t tell you how to live your life any better than you.” The relief Suga felt was immense, like a massive pressure had lifted from his shoulders and he sighed. 

“But what about dad…?” He asked, he was so nervous about what his father would say. He would not be nearly as gentle as his mother was, he never had been and he certainly wouldn’t start with this new revelation. 

“Leave your father to me. It’s best that you don’t tell him, I’ll ease him into it.” She returned to cooking, as if everything were completely normal. The amount of relief he got from knowing that he wouldn’t have to confront his father right now made him embarrassed. He should feel guilty hiding a secret from his father like this, but he knew his mother was right. She would probably be better at introducing the idea than he ever would. Suga left the kitchen and went back to his extended family, feeling much lighter and more able to fend off their pushy questions. 

After that, Suga toyed a lot with the idea of telling Daichi. He had managed to tell his mother and come out unscathed, surely Daichi deserved to know too. He didn’t think Daichi would shun him, but even if he wanted to that was his choice. Even if Suga would never admit to Daichi the extent of just how completely gay he was for the other, Daichi at least deserved to know that Suga was gay in general. 

Still, the idea was just as nerve wracking as the idea of telling his parents. He didn’t have any reason to think Daichi would react badly, but it still scared him. What if he did lose Daichi as a friend? Would he be able to be okay with that? He would have to be, but he took extra care to brace himself for that worst case scenario. He and Daichi had never really talked about crushes. He knew Daichi had been confessed to at least once (he saw it on the way to practice back in their first year) but he assumed Daichi said no since he never mentioned having a girlfriend. Surely Daichi would have mentioned that to him, to Suga, his best friend? 

That thought comforted Suga. He was Daichi’s best friend. Daichi cared about him, even if it wasn’t fully in the way Suga wanted it to be. It would be okay. He waited until they had parted from everyone after evening practice, waving to Asahi as he headed off towards his own house. Once they were alone and it was quiet, Suga took a deep breath. 

“Daichi, can I tell you something? Important.” He was so nervous, he could feel the tension flood his body and anchor just below his sternum. Daichi was looking at him now, curiously, and Suga couldn’t meet his eyes. 

“Sure? Go ahead.” Daichi said, and Suga swallowed a lump in his throat. 

“I’m…” He had to pause and take a deep breath. This was a lot harder than he’d hyped himself up for. “I’m gay. I understand if you need to distance-” Suga’s word vomit was interrupted by a laugh and a large hand clapping his back. 

“Welcome to the club, Suga. I’ll see you tomorrow at practice.” Daichi waved as he turned down his street, leaving Suga behind in a stunned silence. Welcome to the club?

That couldn’t mean.

But it had to. 

Daichi’s gay too?! 

Suga had spent the majority of their first year completely convinced that Daichi was unshakably straight. He realized now that he had absolutely nothing to base that on aside from his own anxious ruminating, and he turned out to be completely wrong. Daichi was gay. And he was so nonchalant about it. So relaxed. He cut off Suga’s martyrdom expertly, and Suga was left trying to process this new information. If Daichi was gay, did that mean he had a chance? No, probably not. Suga prided himself on his perception, and if Daichi was into him then he would have picked up on it by now. 

But you didn’t even know he was gay. The little voice in the back of his head whispered. How could he appropriately gauge Daichi’s interest when he didn’t even think he was on the table in the first place. 

Maybe it was wishful thinking, but Suga couldn’t stop himself from scrutinizing Daichi’s every word and move after that. He didn’t want to lure himself into a false sense of hope, but it now felt vitally important to him to tease apart “just friends” things, and “maybe something more” things. The only problem with that was that they were already so close, it was like they had known each other for a lifetime instead of just a year and a half. They were in the same class, so they studied together. They did group projects together. They ate lunch together, usually with Asahi but sometimes without. They practiced together, they walked to and from school together, and they hung out on the weekends together. They did everything together. Suga’s mom sometimes joked that Daichi was a second son with how many times he came to the door to get Suga, or Suga left to meet Daichi somewhere. His parents liked Daichi; his sister (who had picked up on his crush almost instantly) teased him about Daichi. 

It was almost impossible to find a single part of his life Daichi wasn’t involved in.

Still, some of Daichi’s actions started to take on a new light for Suga. The smiles when they caught each other’s gaze in practice, the way Daichi waited for him even when he had to clean up and Daichi didn’t. Everything Daichi did was something a good friend would do, but Suga couldn’t help but wonder. They fit together so easily, it would be nice if that fit right in too. 

Asahi noticed the shift in Suga’s demeanor and was extremely hopeful for his friends. He caught Suga alone during one of their practice breaks, as he drank from his water bottle. 

“Did you and Daichi get together?” Asahi asked, and nearly made Suga choke on his water. Asahi immediately panicked and started a chorus of I’m Sorry!’s while thumping Suga on the back. 

“What?!” Suga whipped his head around when he was done coughing to make sure Daichi hadn’t heard what Asahi had just said. Daichi was giving them an odd look and Suga gave him a thumbs up. 

“Don’t kill our setter, Asahi, or I’ll make sure everyone knows exactly how much of a delinquent you really are.” Daichi yelled from across the court. Asahi blanched and Suga snorted, wiping his mouth with the hem of his shirt. 

“No, Asahi. We’re not together.” Even just saying that made Suga blush, and he was grateful that practice made his flushed cheeks a lot less suspicious. Even if his dream had drifted a little more into reality, it was still a long shot. “I’m still not sure Daichi is interested.”

“‘Not sure’ is a lot better than ‘is definitely not’ though.” Asahi had picked up on his word choice and it made Suga sigh. 

“We’ll see.” Suga left it at that, jogging back to practice with the rest of the team. Maybe not sure was closer than it was before, but it still seemed so far away. 

Unfortunately there wasn’t much time for mulling over his love interest as tournament season was starting to pick up again. Suga felt the same uncomfortable dread set in his chest as he and Daichi mulled over training schedules. They had managed to get a couple of practice matches with some smaller schools, but it didn’t feel like enough and they were still operating without any coaching. Suga felt selfish for hoping that Coach Ukai would recover and return, the man was old and needed his rest, but the team needed direction too. He and Daichi were trying their best, but it’s not the same as having an experienced Coach watching from the sidelines. 

Still they trained hard and Suga learned to squash the nausea down right next to his feelings for Daichi. He didn’t have time to focus on either, not when the Spring Highs were looming closer and they needed everyone to be in top form if they were going to do well. They didn’t even need to win the whole thing, Suga reasoned with himself, even if that was their goal. They just needed to win one, maybe two, and hopefully that would be enough to recruit some new first years. He knew Daichi’s eyes were set on Tokyo, on winning, but the voice in the back of his head told him that that just wasn’t possible right now. Not like this. 

The day of the Spring High, Suga felt his stomach clench in fear. By now he was good at masking his anxiety, and he prayed it didn’t leak out to any of his teammates. Nishinoya and Tanaka seemed excitable enough, and their boisterous attitudes helped ease him a little. Daichi did his best to rein them in and Suga reminded them to keep their energy for the actual game as he thumbed through the bracket they were given the night before. Datekou. The Iron Wall. They were a powerhouse school. They shouldn’t be in the first round, Karasuno shouldn’t have been matched up with them right away, but due to a fluke in last year’s Spring Highs here they were. They were strong, unlike Karasuno they hadn’t lost any of their power when their upperclassmen left. Unlike Karasuno, they trained their replacements appropriately and were able to recruit quality players. 

Unlike Karasuno, they weren’t “Fallen Champions”. 

Suga’s dread worsened when they walked onto the court for warm ups and he saw just how large everyone in Datekou was. Iron Wall is no joke. He mused to himself. Daichi squeezed his shoulder and Suga turned his attention back to their own team. They could do this. He could do this. He had to do this. They lined up as the whistle blew and Suga took a deep breath.  
They were utterly thrashed. 

None of Suga’s attacks panned out and he ended up relying too heavily on Asahi to power through. He knew it was unfair to his teammate, even if he was their ace, to call on him that often in a game where he kept getting blocked. The anxiety clouded Suga’s brain and it was so hard to formulate attacks, he could barely tell where his own team should go, let alone what Datekou was doing. The game ended and as far as Suga was concerned, it was an embarrassment. Tensions were high and everyone was upset. The ride back to Karasuno was dead silent. 

Once they got back, the silence was broken and Nishinoya and Asahi got into a vicious argument. 

Now it looked like Asahi might be quitting the club, and then what would happen to them…? He was friends with Asahi, he should have been able to help, but he had never felt more powerless in his life than he did watching Nishinoya accuse Asahi of running away. It was Suga’s own fault, he knew, Suga saw Asahi getting disheartened during the game and yet he kept relying on him anyway. 

Suga helped Daichi clean up the gym alone, and set the broken mop to the side. It could be fixed, it had to be fixed. What was this team without Asahi and Nishinoya? Skill aside, they were friends. He loved both of them, and playing volleyball without them seemed strange. 

They locked up the gym and club room together and walked home in silence. Anxiety swirled in Suga’s chest, heavy and restrictive like a straight jacket crushing his shoulders. His mind kept ruminating on how it was all his fault, had he only been a better setter, worked harder, formed better attacks, been able to read the opponent better and react faster, maybe they wouldn’t have lost. Or maybe they would have at least played better. Maybe he could have prevented the fight. Prevented their team from collapsing. 

The more he thought about all the ways he failed the team, the heavier his chest felt. Suga’s footsteps slowed to a walk as he felt the first few tears fall down his cheeks, completely powerless to stop them. Daichi stopped just ahead of him and looked back, Suga was acutely aware of how pathetic he must have looked, staring at the ground with tears streaming down his face. Daichi was just as stressed as he was; it was unfair to break down like this in front of his friend and captain. Daichi must have disagreed because the next thing Suga knew, warm arms were wrapping around him and pulling him close to Daichi’s chest. Suga let his head fall to Daichi’s shoulder as the tears poured out freely. 

“Everything you’ve worked so hard for-” Suga started hiccupping, “It’s all ruined because I’m the worst setter” He was rambling, it was hard to tell the barrier between what was thought and what actually came out of his mouth, but he can only assume most of it came out when Daichi responded.

“You’re not the worst setter, Suga.” Suga could feel Daichi’s warm breath against his cheek and that only made him sob harder. 

“I got so overwhelmed, I couldn’t even stop Asahi and Nishinoya from fighting…!” 

“It’s not your fault.” Daichi’s arms tightened around him and Suga sniffed, the touch was comforting, at least Daichi didn’t hate him after the way he performed today. His tears slowed as Daichi rubbed his back. 

“How is it not my fault? I’m supposed to be the support pillar of the team…” Suga mumbled into Daichi’s shirt, vaguely aware of how damp and gross he was getting it. 

“Yes, but you’re not the only one out there playing a support, not everything falls on you. It was one bad game, and you weren’t the only one playing it.” Suga knew that, deep down. It was reassuring to hear Daichi say it, but he already knew he wasn’t the only support. It took all six of them and the blame couldn’t rest on one person. Suga felt a little guilty that Daichi had to be the one to pick him up now of all times, when he knew Daichi was frustrated and upset too. 

“I know. I know that.” It didn’t fully chase away the nagging doubts and insecurities, but the validation certainly helped. 

“Then don’t be so hard on yourself. I have regrets too, but we have time to improve before next year.” Daichi’s response made Suga laugh ruefully. 

“Such a good captain already.” He could see Daichi’s neck color out of the corner of his eye. 

“Well…” 

“It’s true, Daichi. I can always count on you.” And it was true, Suga relied on Daichi more than he thought Daichi fully realized sometimes. Suga lifted his head to give Daichi a smile, only to find that the other wouldn’t fully look him in the eye. 

“I’m glad you’re feeling better, then.” The more Suga watched Daichi’s shifting gaze, the more he considered. Their team had already mostly fallen apart. They lost their only libero with no replacement and no real hope for one, along with their ace. Part of Suga’s mind screamed at him to just thank Daichi and pull away, but the other part reminded him that they had been hugging on the sidewalk for several minutes now, and what would another layer of tension be to the already thick cocktail at Karasuno? Gathering as much courage as possible, Suga turned his head to give Daichi a quick peck on the cheek, bracing himself for a full rejection. Daichi’s head whipped around, barely missing Suga’s nose in the process, with shock written all over his face.

“S-Suga??” This was the part where Suga froze and panicked. He had forgotten that Daichi would want an explanation, he would have to voice his thoughts and feelings, something he always struggled to find the right words for. But it was too late to go back now, so he had to at least try, and trust that Daichi would give him the space to get it all out.

“W-Well! You’re always there for me, and...I just…” Suga desperately wracked his brain for the right words. “I really like you a lot, and I’m very sorry for springing something like that on you!” His words were rushed and he prayed he wouldn’t have to repeat himself. Silence hung between them for a few seconds before Daichi leaned in to give him a proper kiss on the mouth, completely catching Suga off guard. He hadn’t had any idea how Daichi would react, it was so hard to gauge his romantic interest. Somewhere in the back of Suga’s mind he was aware of how salty and snotty the kiss was, but neither he nor Daichi really cared. When they broke away Suga felt a burning need to fill the silence with more words. 

“Well at least one thing didn’t go terribly wrong today.” Suga said, he felt more relieved than he had in weeks and Daichi laughed. 

“Yeah, that’s true.” Suga finally (reluctantly) pulled away from Daichi’s embrace, wiping at his face with his sleeve. 

“We should get home. I’ve already told my mom I was on my way.” Daichi nodded and they resumed their long trek home, each a little lighter.

**Author's Note:**

> The was written for my RP partner madamelady.tumblr.com. The last scene was actually our roleplay of them getting together! 
> 
> Beta'd by leninmeringuepie.tumblr.com she's an angel! 
> 
> Come scream with me about Haikyuu!! at my tumblr: strawberryriver.tumblr.com
> 
> Kick my ass and make me finish the Love Live! series.


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